Long Hard Road Out of Hell

Its been a while since I've written in this.  Lots of things have happened.  I've been in treatment (both in house and while living at home with Dad) as well as counseling.  I've also moved from Dad's care in Florida back home to New Hampshire where the remainder of my family lives.  I guess I should start there.

I moved home to NH.  It was something I knew would bring dark days and hard times.  The plan was to move to my mothers place until I was able to find my own place.  The end goal was that I would be on my own two feet and close enough to my daughter to be a part of her life.  That was the plan, and the risks were known.  So the time came and I moved back to Mom's.  She set me up with a room in the basement where I could kind of hide if need be.  The truth of the matter is that she lives a more social and busy lifestyle than is ideal for my living arrangements and as much as she tried, nothing short of her not living her life was going to make her place ideal.  Still, it was a roof over my head and food in my belly while I got set up.  Time went on, and things got very tough.  I found myself slipping into a hole I didn't want to be in.  Waiting for my claim to come back wasn't going to be an option.  I had to do something to improve my situation.  I took what very little money I had and started looking for a car.  The droves of denials because of my lack of income and fresh move was something I wasn't expecting, though I should have.  Finally I found a lender and vehicle and things were going to be tight for a little while, but I had the means to get away now.  Then I went out and got a job.  Now I mentioned the remainder of my family was here in NH.  That includes my cousins.  One of those cousins has been more like a brother than a cousin if you ask me.  He has gone WAY above and beyond to help me when and where I need it most.  Well...  He hooked me up with a job where he works.  Now I work out of my car and the open road is my office.  Its not the kind of job you can pick up women with at the bar, but I don't go to bars nor do I care what others think.  I make an honest living working a job I can handle and its allowed me to move out of my mothers and find a place.  I currently am living with an old friend.  So far the roommate thing works out well.  She works all day and I work all night.  I love 10 minutes from my sister and her kids, and 20 minutes from my mother and daughter.  Sounds like my goals have been met right????  Keep reading.

Well I have got to where I wanted.  The problem is that my situation is better, but I am not.  I keep getting reminders of how I likely never will be either.  Sure on the outside I am doing a good job fooling everyone.  I manage to make myself a part of most family events and even do my own shopping.  But that alone takes more out of me than it should.  Stopping to say hi to loved ones shouldn't be a test of how long can I take the heat.  Still I muster up what little fight I have left in me and put on a good show.  If I cant live the life I want, I'll fake it the best I can and maybe just maybe I'll fool myself into thinking that I am.  Still the demons fight on.  Things like feeling suspect about everyone or the overwhelmingly depressing thought of everything I cant do.  Its inevitable that I will slip into thought about how hard I have to work to pretend to be normal and wonder if its really worth it.  Somewhere in that thought process I'll decide that everyone is out to get me, and that leads to a "I'll show them" thought.  There is a problem with that though.  All this extremely emotional though process and depression takes a physical toll.

That's the other side I haven't mentioned yet.  Between the weather and the forcing myself past my boundaries, the fibro pains and fibro fog have been running wild.  I'm so busy focusing on being with the family and doing what needs to be done that I have ignored the things I know I need to keep the fibro stuff at bay.  I'll walk into a room to do something, get there, then forget why I was there.  Then I'll walk around trying to figure it out only to give up.  Then I'll find out later what it was and that its too late something happened because of it.  I'm sure people my parents age and up would argue that it's all part of getting old.  But I am only 31, and its been going for years.  I'll lay in bed at night unable to get to sleep because it feels like I have knives sticking in my back.  Usually 6 distinct points all very sharp pain that I would have rated a 9.5-10 a few years back.  Now its the same amount of pain, but I am so used to feeling it that I have to lower the rating.  But they hurt more than my hernia and more than my hernia surgery, both of which I had prescription pain killers for, so do the math.

So yes I have gotten to where I want to be.  But the harder I fight, and the closer to climbing out of this pit, the harder the demons fight to pull me back down.  It is indeed a long hard road out of hell.

You have to be kidding me

The Veterans Affairs at one point was championing the idea of Service Dogs for help with PTSD.  Here is the latest.

Full article here:
http://www.stripes.com/va-says-no-service-dogs-benefits-warranted-for-ptsd-sufferers-1.188166

The Department of Veterans Affairs will pay service-dog benefits to veterans with vision, hearing or mobility-related injuries but not to veterans suffering only with post-traumatic-stress-disorder and other mental health disabilities.

A 67-page, final draft of rules concerning veterans in need of service dogs was published today in the Federal Register and will become final in 30 days. In justifying its decision, the VA cited “nationally established” and “widely accepted” training protocols for sight, hearing and mobility-assistance dogs and the lack of similar training protocols for mental health service dogs.

In addition, because there is little clinical research on mental health service dogs, the “VA has not yet been able to determine that these dogs provide medical benefit to veterans with mental illness.”

“Until such determination can be made, VA cannot justify providing benefits for mental health service dogs,” according to a pre-released copy of the rules obtained by The Palm Beach Post on Tuesday.

Veterans with service dogs were baffled by the rule.

“You get doctors and people telling you that you’re not disabled enough,” said Jim Stanek, an infantryman in the U.S. Army who served three tours of combat duty in Iraq. Stanek, who has been diagnosed with PTSD and traumatic brain injury, helped found Paws and Stripes, a non-profit group in Albuquerque, New Mexico, that provides service dogs and training to veterans with PTSD and mental health disabilities.

“What do I have to do? Have my leg amputated?” Stanek asked. “Is that what I need to do to get what I need to recover?”

Service dogs are individually trained to perform tasks for a specific person. Some of the tasks performed to assist veterans with PTSD include surveying darkened rooms, turning on lights, re-orienting their owner during nightmares or flashbacks, navigating through crowds, sensing anxiety, enforcing boundaries for personal space and retrieving a cellphone, said Sally Chester, secretary of Genesis Assistance Dogs Inc. of West Palm Beach.

The only thing I can think of is that the VA has to save money so the govt can take better care of illegals.  "Screw the guy who was born here, fought for us, and now is to sick to live alone or support himself.  We need to care for that random guy who isn't supposed to be here in the first place."

United Airlines Employees Abuse Disabled Veteran and His Service Dog

Not my work so I cant take credit for it.  I am going to post it here though in hopes that every single American sees this.  Jim is asking for nothing more than people to be aware.  I would personally be out for blood.  Jim is clearly further in his coping skills than I am.

PTSD/TBI Veteran's service dog kicked TWICE while traveling with US Airways.
Full story

I want to echo his words....   Tell everyone!!!  Share it on FB, Twitter, your blogs, heck send smoke signals until every single American sees his story!!!!!!