I thought maybe it would be worth while to do a sort of Q&A type post so I asked some of my friends to list off questions they had about PTSD and how it has affected me.
• How did you know there was a problem? What were the symptoms?
I guess it all started to take shape in my mind when I would get mad at my daughter for doing normal kid things. Around the same time I started getting really paranoid about my co-workers. Before that I was very security minded about the house and kept a pistol by the bed, but that seemed normal to me. The screaming at the kids for things I couldn’t explain seemed odd. I had developed a serious irritability issue. I had pushed any thoughts of me being sick or different in any way out of my head by telling myself it was from not sleeping well and issues at work. As I type this, I am looking at myself in hind sight and the signs are all there.
• How did you find out what it was?
I actually went to the doctor to get help with my anxiety and anger. I had moved to Canada where it was peaceful and serene. I married a girl who was best friend. Everything should have been great. Instead I was angry and irritable. I actually went to the doctor for the sole reason that I was afraid for my wife’s well being. By this time, we all were assuming that I had some kind of PTSD, but didn’t think it was all that bad.
• Did the military prepare you for your return to civilian life? How?
The navy has what they call TAP classes. It stands for transition assistance program. It was a pretty decent help for shifting to civilian life on a professional level. I got some great information on writing resumes and interviewing for jobs. I got an idea of some of the rights I had earned and was told what documents to keep track of to entitle me to those rights. Unfortunately by the time I was getting out of the Navy, the damage was done. There wasn’t anything that could prepare me for a life like this. There wasn’t even any way of describing the change of pace. Military life is very high speed low drag. Maybe the shift to the slow boring lifestyle of being a civilian is what the most notable difference is. I keep looking for something to excite me and nothing seems to do it.
• What is the most problematic symptom from your point of view?
The worst part for me is knowing that I get to deal with this the rest of my life. The thought of living another 30, 40, maybe even 50 years constantly looking over my shoulder and choking down pills is indescribable. There are times I don’t know how I am going to get through the day. If I have those days one a week, I’m doing pretty well lately. To think of having to deal with another 2500 of those days is reason enough to want to tap out. I was talking to one of my support crew about an experimental treatment that could cure the disease in as little as 5 minutes and a single shot to the neck. I told her that at this point, it’s either the needle or the gun. The medications I am on, the way I feel all the time, the inability to keep people close to me, and the side effects of my illness is just too much for anyone to handle for such a long period of time. I am tired of it all now.
• How has this changed your everyday life?
I wish I could think of an aspect that hasn’t been affected by my illness. Every day home life is mostly the same. I can do anything a normal person can around the house, but I have extra precautions I take. I require a quieter home than I think most do. I couldn’t live in Manhattan for example. Part of the need for quiet is so that I can keep track of my surroundings. I take note if a car goes by or a neighbor closes car door. To me, there is nothing that just makes noise. I have to investigate everything that goes bump in the night. In the back of my mind, the tree branch is hitting the window because someone is climbing the tree.
There are things that I simply can’t handle. These things lead to instant panic attacks and disrupt my whole state of being. I mentioned before that when children play it gets to me. My mother has two small dogs. Small dogs tend to yap for no reason. This gets me twice. First, it’s a distraction from my surroundings and a weak spot to my security. It is the kind of distraction that someone watching me would set off just before making their attack so my guard would be down. Second, working with my service dog means that I am keyed to the dog’s reactions to the world. If my service dog starts barking at something, I need to check it out. I can’t turn that off. It’s not something I can sit there and tell myself “that dog is mental, just pay attention to yours.” I am also very sensitive to the emotional tension in my surroundings. If two family members are fighting for example, I get tense. The paranoia sets in and all of a sudden they are fighting over me or something I have done. Between being tense and paranoid, I have to retreat to try and settle down. Because that fight was over something I had done, calming down will normally mean that I get upset with myself for everything in my life that isn’t how I want it. Something as simple as a couple arguing over what was for dinner three nights ago sets off a chain reaction in me that ends in depression that can last for days.
• What types of things are you unable to do because of your symptoms and problems from PTSD?
This is something that PTSD vets really struggle with. The natural course of the illness is to shut off the outside world and hide away. I have a service dog that I am training myself. That forces me to go out to places I otherwise would avoid. Now I find that I can do some of the things I couldn’t do before, but with limitations. I can now go shopping for example. I am not able to wait in lines and I need to either go to smaller stores or go when there is less of a crowd. I can’t handle public transit yet, and I refuse to even try a movie theatre. I injured myself last summer and needed to be taken to the hospital for treatment. I had actually cut from halfway up my forehead down the bridge of my nose and my nostril with a chainsaw. The labyrinth of rooms and constant distractions at the hospital had me convinced I could deal with my injuries on my own. I had to get out of there. The doctors actually had to put me out to even assess the damage.
• What helps you most getting through the day?
I have a service dog that helps more than I could ever describe. At home he is the best friend anyone could ever ask for. He will never judge me or create chaos. He will listen to anything I have to say and even laying there petting him alleviates massive amounts of stress. We play ball outside or tug of war inside. Sometimes he will run around like a fool and I can’t help but laugh. He really does bring a positive energy to my life. Having him makes me go out in public like I mentioned earlier. That works both ways though. Having him there also means I can go all those places. He is still a puppy and the training will be on going for quite some time. Right now, he is my eyes and ears for new people within close proximity. When he is ready, he will be able to maintain a certain safety zone around me as well as remove me if need be from harmful situations. I use his instinctive ability to judge people implicitly. You could be the nicest person since Jesus Christ, but if my dog doesn’t trust you than neither do I.
• Are there any new things you enjoy doing that you might not have found if you weren’t sick?
I do have a few new passions in life. I have always liked dogs, but I highly doubt that I would have gotten this involved with the training of them. I can read what dogs are thinking and have been lucky enough to share a bond far beyond that of a pet and owner relationship. I have also recently taken to writing. I wouldn’t say it’s a passion of mine, but I am enjoying being able to tell my story. Even if no one reads this, I have still put it out there.
• Does the PTSD cause any physical issues, in addition to the mental ones?
The initial physical symptom that I had was Irritable Bowl Syndrome. I would get stressed out and my inside would revolt. Thankfully, the medication seems to have taken care of that. Of all the things I wish the medications would help me with, at least I don’t have to poop as often. HAHAHA The prolonged stress and anxiety level has developed into what the doctors believe is Fibromyalgia. My understanding is that my brain is so overwhelmed by everything that it now thinks it feels things that aren’t really there. The pain is very real, but there is no reason for it. All of a sudden it will feel like I am stepping onto the point of a knife for example. I haven’t, but that sharp fiery pain is there.
• What are the side effects of the medication?
The side effects I have had come and go. I have gained a bunch of weight and for the first time in my life I have cholesterol problems. But I get this feeling of gagging on my tongue from time to time. All of a sudden I will get nauseous or have the dry heaves. The worst is if I miss a dose. Sometimes it’s as if my teeth are trying to bite through each other. I had one medication they tried me on that caused internal bleeding.
• Do you think us as Americans can appreciate what you experienced to cause this?
No. I don’t think the general American public has any idea for the actual suffering of this war. If you weren’t in the military or closely related to those who were, this war has had no affect on you what so ever. Sure there are the people out there who wave their flags or put stickers on their car, but they have no idea what people like my mother have suffered. They don’t see my daughter who lives with her grandmother because her Daddy isn’t mentally capable of dealing with her. They may hear PTSD on the news, but they don’t see how it really affects people. To them it's a catch phrase to use during a political conversation. Long story short, they can’t and won’t be bothered to even read this blog.
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